No one has ever been “over-served” in the town of Jackson. Not you, not me, not anyone at late night happy hour. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.
But let’s say someone had imbibed a little too much. What do you do with the drunks? Laughter is said to be the best medicine. Maybe the intoxicated wouldn’t agree, but the amusement of the other patrons and employees makes it all worth while.
That is the key. The other customers must see the misbehavior of someone who’s trashed. If a “gentleman” is commenting lewdly on my feminine attributes, he does get a warning. I threaten him with a cold shower. His friends cheer me on as I reach for the soda gun. He does have a reprieve; I’m not that mean. Unless he repeats the same kind of comments. With a little practice (and watch out for the electronics), a soda gun can get a sharp spray for at least 15 feet. Do practice, because the cheering, over-tipping buddies of a drunk get a little grouchy if your aim is off.
How about the birthday party or spring-break crowd? They don’t just want to do shots, they want shots of flaming Dr. Pepper or a round of Statue of Liberties. Both can potentially burn up the bar or at least take some sacrificial eyebrows. For these, planning is essential. I won’t say no to flaming shots, but I will stand armed and ready with pitchers of water. Slightest spill and everyone is going to be turning into soggy icicles while waiting for their cab.
Worse yet is the dreaded Cement Mixer. Lime juice and Bailey’s shaken in the mouth to congeal? Those are usually forced upon a friend, through dares and badgering. I’ll pour them, but only after I’ve brought out a bucket and rags, so the “tough guy” can be threatened with cleaning duty. (While we’re on the subject of stupid shots, I have to give a shout out to the Tequila Stuntman: Snort the salt, take the shot, squirt the lime in your eye. Doesn’t cause any trouble for the bartender, but really?)
Also a delight is the customer so hammered that he no longer tastes any alcohol in his beverage. I will pour that five liquor Long Island Iced Tea and gladly take his money. When he tells me, “There ain’t nothin’ in this!” I will politely take his drink back, pour it in the sink, return his glass to him and reply, “Yes, sir. You are absolutely correct.” What? No tip? But I told him he was right.
A good, belligerent drunk can be a great source of entertainment. I like to keep my regular, protective customers amused, even at an outsider’s expense. Most of all, a good laugh will just get me through the night. Everyone tells the bartender to “smile,” so that is what I try to do. Even when serving a tray of flaming shots.
