He doesn’t make an appearance every night. Sometimes a whole week will go by without a sighting. But every server in the world knows exactly who I’m talking about. He goes by many names, but some of the more printable ones are clueless, arrogant, or condescending. Are you the infamous “That Guy”?
You are funny…really funny.
Yes, I know that an item on our menu rhymes with the word “panty.” I know you like to order this dish just so you can mispronounce it. Your wife smiles politely because she is the only person who has heard that joke more often than me. You like to ask for this dish even when it is not listed on the menu. “Panty! Panty!” You are in your forties. Grow up.
Money means nothing to you.
Honestly, most servers don’t care how much money you have. We’re glad you decided to eat out and enjoy yourself. This does not mean we are working at this job for fun. Please don’t tell me that you have more wine in your cellar than you could ever drink. Don’t mention that your company (especially if it is the government) is picking up the tab for your whole vacation. I don’t care if you pay with a limitless Black Amex card. But don’t say to me, “I’ll bet you’ve never seen one of these before,” as you hand it over. (And the swipe strips on those never work. It’s really annoying.)
You do not lease the space.
Sometimes tables or bar stools in a business are close together. This is occasionally uncomfortable and uncontrollable. I am sorry. However, by pushing your chair back from the table so you can put your feet up, you can make whole sections of a restaurant inaccessible. When you tip your bar stool far enough into the walkway, sometimes the main artery to the kitchen or bathroom gets cut off. Since I do not love bruises on my thighs from colliding with your chair, I do not run into you on purpose. Usually. Unless you’re really pissing me off. Then I’ll send a busser to do my dirty work.
It should NOT need to be said.
I may be female and I may wait tables. That does not give you the right to make up cute nicknames for me. “Honey” and “Darlin” are just passable. “Legs” and “Sweet bottom” are not. Anything you wouldn’t want your own wife or daughter called is off limits. If I respond with something equally cute like, “Here’s your Long Island, Oyster Lips,” please don’t be offended. Its a sign of endearment. Likewise, you cannot touch me. You cannot reach into my pocket to borrow a pen. You should never adjust my clothing for me. Do not pat my rear. As much as I may deserve someone to tell me, “Good game!” I am not in the NFL.
Hopefully, dear readers, you are amazed that there are people out there who could even think that these kinds of actions were appropriate in public. You feel sorry for anyone who has to put up with people being this condescending or asinine. However, if this seems vaguely familiar to you, if your lips do really look like oysters, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you are “That Guy.”
