Dirty Deeds


As my mother would say, “Cleanliness is next to Godliness.”

For that reason alone I am going right to hell. With the arrival of summer goes the departure of my hygiene. Showering, socks, underwear and deodorant all go by the wayside.  My justification is that the river is my bath, socks and underwear just get in the way, and deodorant gives one cancer.

Still, I don’t feel too grimy. I make sure when waiting tables to keep a few things in my locker, just to make sure I don’t look like a complete dirtbag.

1)   Nail Trimmer                                     5) Floss

2)   Razor                                                  6) Mouth Wash

3)   Gold-Bond

4)   Universal Hair Product

I used to work for well-known, high class, restaurant in NYC. After pre-service the maitre d would line us up and check if our nails were trimmed and clean, and if we at least shaved the night before service.

The clean nails thing really hit home, and has left a solid impression on me. Just a quick side story: I remember my first makeout/pass-out in college. When I woke up the next morning, my makeout friend was gone, but she did leave a note, with her number, email and a post it note stating I had clean nails. Sure it was creepy, but it did tell me that people are always checking out your hands.

The nail trimmer cost about $2, and actually trimming your nails takes about two minutes. No brainer.

As for a razor, my female counterparts don’t really apply. Unless, they are feeling a bit naughty and their skirt doesn’t want to pass Catholic high school regulations. But as a guy, or just me personally, having my face resemble the texture of a baby’s bottom instills a bit of confidence, and the feeling of shaving some sins away. If you are wondering about shaving cream, use some of that hair product. And if you must have some type of aftershave, dab a cloth with some dry vermouth. Yes, it sounds weird, but you will smell like a French hipster. And according to EVERYONE, being a French hipster is so in right now.

And on the Seventh Day, God created Gold Bond! I don’t care if you have that extra Y chromosome or not, Gold Bond is an instant shower. After a long mountain bike ride, or that grueling climb, sometimes your “under carriage” feels like someone just baked a cake down there. And we all know there is a plethora of adjectives we can you to describe that feeling.  Let me give you one for example: MOIST.  Apply a little Gold Bond, feel the tingle, and accept that fresh feeling.

As for the hair gel, I am just a reformed Guido and old habits die hard. I once used olive oil as a hair product when times got tough. Hopefully none of you will be there.

For me, I love my teeth, my dentist and my toothbrush. Even thinking about keeping my toothbrush in my locker freaks me out, so I figure I cut a few corners and get away with just some floss and mouth wash. I recommend flossing after staff meal, because there is nothing worse then having that special you were trying to push a week ago stuck in your teeth today.

No soap required.

Being clean in Jackson Hole in the summer is tough. Whether it is the river or the mountains, we spend more time being physically active. We sweat more, we drink more beer, and the simply we don’t want to be inside, EVER.  So don’t worry about that shower. A squirt of Gold Bond here, a quick trim there, and a few swigs of mouthwash, and you just gave yourself a 10- minute spa treatment.

Now go forth my brothers and sisters of the service industry. We live in Jackson for a reason. So let the ends justify the means.

(Did I say that right? Sorry Machiavelli.)


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